Posted by: silverstar98121 | April 23, 2013

So What’s New?

Well, I’m depressed. Horribly, awfully, terribly depressed. Can’t get out of bed depressed. It’s a good thing I have a dog, or I wouldn’t have gotten dressed for a month or two. Yes, I’ve been to the doctor, she tweaked my thyroid meds and put me on high doses of some vitamins I tested low on. Yes, I’ve seen a psychiatrist. She tweaked one of my psych meds. Yes, I still see my therapist every week. When I can get out of bed, and don’t make up a migraine to keep from going,

So, what have I got to be depressed about? Well, there’s the Boyo. He still has cancer, and it is kicking his ass. He started on a new drug for chemo, and it damned near killed him. He came off of it, and went on to hospice. However, it  did lower his tumor markers and relieve some of his pain, so he’s back on it, on a lower dose. He’s foggy brained enough as it is what with his traumatic brain injury, but now he’s also got a brain tumor and “chemo fog.” He asks me how to do things on his phone, and tells me he can’t make it work. “How do I get on Facebook?”  “It’s the blue F on your start page. You just push it,”  “But it doesn’t work!!!”  He probably hasn’t been there for weeks, and it signed him out. So some day I  will have to grab his phone, and sign him back in because I’m the only one who remembers his password. One I made up for him so it would be easy for him to remember. The same password that gets into all his sites. I’m frustrated. And sad, because he is deteriorating so fast. And he will move to Bellingham soon, to be closer to his family. Which will be good for him, not so much for me. Maybe I should rethink that email from the Senior People Meeters. (When the heck did I become a senior?) I have permission to get on with my life.

To make matters worse, I have some new, unwanted companions in my life. Bed bugs. I hates them. These are courtesy of The Boyo, also. His gift-giving skills are truly out the window, He bought a pillow second hand and brought it to my apartment, and put it in my recliner, So, some time later I’m sitting there and this bug runs across me. I am, at that point, not familiar with bed bugs. These days I am quite intimate with them. NOT what I would have picked for my next intimate encounter. I have two questions: a) who in hell buys second hand bedding in this day and age? b) who in hell sells second-hand bedding without at least washing and drying it, which would have killed the little darlings? Obviously, the answer to question a) is The Boyo. He buys everything second-hand. It’s not necessarily a matter of poverty. He once told me his dream car was 1987 BMW.

Here’s why bedbugs are a nightmare. They are not a public health menace, they are mostly an annoyance, The worst thing that could happen is that you could get a secondary infection from scratching a bite. Thirty per cent of people, including mois, don’t even get itchy from them. So what’s the big deal? They mess with your mental health, that’s what. I asked my best friend to help  me clean my apartment so I could call the maintenance department without getting evicted. Did I mention I’m “I can’t get out of bed” depressed? And having a lot more pain lately, too. Unfortunately, she had just finished with her own infestation, and ran out of here like she was on fire.That was mumbledy-mumble weeks ago, and other than doing a few dishes (when I didn’t have any clean silverware) and sort of keeping up with the laundry, nothing much has changed. I am afraid to try to get somebody else to help me. The amount of work you have to do to get ready for the pest control guy is unreal. You have to wash and/or dry every washable thing in the house. You have to take everything out of, and off of every thing and isolate them in bags and/or bins, tightly sealed, with “no pest” strips  inside.  You have to move every stick of furniture away from the walls so the pest control operator can get to the baseboards and sockets. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it. Another friend was supposed to help me put the encasements on my brand new mattress and box springs. Didn’t happen. At the time I asked the bed bugs were rarely seen in the bedroom, it would have kept my mattress from getting infested. Now, if I ever get it on, it will  kill any that are left over. I’m paranoid to go anywhere lest I carry some little friends with me, and infest someplace else, It’s not the big, obvious  ones I worry about, it’s the little, tiny, nearly invisible babies that scare me. Yeah, they mess with your mind.In New York  City they have companies that come in and do all of this for you, but not around here. If you need a business opportunity, I suggest starting a company to do this. I know I would pay through the nose for the service.

Now that I feel a teensy bit better, I may actually get started, at least on the laundry part of the ordeal . And give up and just let the maintenance department come while my house is messy. If you guys could send me some funny e-cards or something, (snail mail cards, Starbucks cards, chili chocolate) I would be very grateful. I’m feeling pretty alone right now with just my dog, and my little friends. 

(P.S. I wanted to put a picture in, but I can’t figure out how to do it these days. )


  1. Hugs, big hugs. Things will get better, you will get better.

    • I keep telling myself, “This, too, shall pass.”

  2. whoa… that’s some heavy lifting, my dear… on all fronts. you have been the boyo’s primary caregiver for a long time – at least ‘first seargeant’ in the process – and now that he’s moving into the full-time care regime, that has taken away a bit of your purpose. piling on the personal brain/body chemistry imbalance, and the uninvited houseguests? ouch!

    any place you can call for social work support? almost hate to suggest a church, but any organization that does outreach to assist might be in a position to help get the household organization started.

    the mental assault by the bedbugs would be far worse for me than the actual critters. i’ve let things like that get in my head and it has nearly driven me mad. take care of yourself, and i hope you can start to get this behind you soon. sending hugs and love, lady….

    • Thanks for thinking of me, I don’t feel so alone this way. I had a volunteer from Catholic Community Services, I can call them again. Maybe I can just get some emergency help for the present. I hope so. I guess I can talk to the social worker here, too. If I can remember when she’s here. I am, unfortunately, too rich for chore services from Medicaid.

      I truly know what the phrase “going buggy” means these days. If I had my druthers, I’d druther have banana slugs. They are big, and ugly and slimy, but they’re slow and don’t bite.

      • i do think of you often, eileen — am aggravated that my business travel has been momentarily eliminated. completely buried with smelly work stuff this week, but will write more soon. call the catholic social services folks — say what you will about the catholic church, but they’re pretty damn good at being useful ‘boots on the ground’ to those in need! and you’ve had your share of tough stuff – you have every reason to feel overwhelmed! a helping hand might get you through…

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