No, it’s not really. A couple times in the last year, I’ve managed to swallow wrong and get something lodged in my right bronchus. It hurts like hell, makes you cough and puke, and should never happen. It is also potentially life-threatening if you can’t cough and puke it up. I’ve been lucky so far, especially since I live alone, and haven’t taught Friday to dial 911 yet. Well, actually you need a special phone for that. A very expensive special phone.
This being the case, the last time I was at the doctor, I mentioned it to her. And she referred me to the Otolaryngology department at the University. My appointment was today. I figured they’d just talk to me, and then if they thought I needed it, would order some tests. Wrong.
They decided to stick a camera up my nose and watch me swallow. This is not fun. First they numb your nose with some stuff that tastes horrible when you sniff it back. Then they stick the camera, which is about the size of thick spaghetti in your nose. Then the speech pathologist makes you do a lot of things like say eeeeeeee, and other things. Then they give you some water with blue dye in it, and watch while you swallow that. Then some bread with blue dye on it, and make you swallow that while they watch. And of course the camera is tickling your uvula, and making you want to gag the whole time. Lovely stuff.
So you walk out of the office with your mouth all blue, and your tongue all blue. But they forget to tell you it will turn your poop all blue, too. So now I’m going to be scheduled for an xray where I will swallow yucky, chalky stuff, and they will do probably a lot of the same exercises while they watch me swallow different textures of stuff. I can hardly wait. I hope they put some flavoring in it.
As if that isn’t bad enough, I’m scheduled for a routine colonoscopy on Friday, too. Not looking forward to the gallon of guck. I should have asked them to send a nasogastric tube with it, because I think that may be the only way I’ll get it down without puking about half of it back up. I hope whoever invented that stuff has to take a gallon of it every day in hell. I’ll be busy on Thursday, don’t expect to hear from me.