So yesterday, as well as being my blogiversary, was the date for my annual mammogram. I look forward to this every year. NOT!! I can’t imagine what could be more uncomfortable than trying to cram my generous breasts this way and that between two cold plates, and then turning the screw a little more to flatten it. Unless it was doing the same thing to a pair of AAs like my mother had. I swear I got very little genetic material from my mother, as I resemble my dad’s side of the family. And they were all well-endowed.
I know you boys have all heard the old cliche about squeezing the family jewels that we women drag out to share our experience. And the complaint that mammograms had to be invented by a man, because a woman would never do that to breasts. So I won’t drag them out. Oh, wait, I just did, didn’t I?
So off I go to my appointment, which I end up being late to because I missed the bus while looking at the bus finder app. Go figure. And I finally get called. Since I showed up in a wheelchair, they apparently were afraid I couldn’t stand by myself. Not to worry, the pain usually keeps me on my tippy-toes. They also tell you to hold your breath while they do the x-ray. Not a problem, it hurts so bad I can’t breathe anyway.*
My tech is this petite Asian woman, who asked me if I wanted a gown. Usually, they have you pu on one of those hospital gowns backward. Now, this has always impressed me as foolish and a waste of time, because they take it off one side at a time to do the x-rays anyway. And I’m a Pagan, I’ve sat naked in a field braiding sweetgrass with my coven sisters, and farm workers all around us. This was minor.
When I say this girl was petite I mean shorter than I am. Which is pretty short. I think I’ve shrunk just enough with age that I no longer quite reach 5 feet. So she was having a hard time getting my massive brestages into the machine just where she wanted them. And I noticed that as she was manipulating the “tissue” as they say in the bra department at the department stores, she would stick her tongue out to help with the procedure. And of course, her head wasn’t that far from my breast. No, you pervs, nothing happened.
Thank goddess for digital mammograms! No longer do you have to sit there with your gown on, waiting until the film is developed to see if they need to reshoot some of it. They know they’ve got it right then and there. And then it’s all over for another year.
* Disclaimer: My breasts are large and I have fibrocystic breast disease, which makes it hurt worse. YMMV