Posted by: silverstar98121 | May 21, 2008


I promised a story about almost being arrested for assault, and so here it is.

A cop in a small town is never really off-duty. Unless you are out of town. So Barney and I would frequently leave town to go to dinner, or the movies or something. Just to get away. One night we were on our way out of town when we stopped at the convenience store to get coffee and cigarettes for him. (I think he lived on coffee and cigarettes.) As we were sitting in the car, one of the townsfolk (let’s call him Asshole#1) walked up to the car, called Barney’s name, and reached into the car behind Barney’s head and slapped his head forward so hard it hit the steering wheel. The on-duty cop. who had just driven up, was a witness to this.

Barney put his coffee down, and calmly got out of the car. He then informed Asshole#1 he was under arrest for assault. And then the fight was on. As Barney was trying to cuff him, he grabbed Barney and had him from behind in a bear hug. The other cop had to contend with a buddy of the assailant who decided to get into the fight. Asshole #1, having Barney in a death-grip, (I did tell you Barney was very slight for a cop, about 5’8″ and all of 140 lbs), tried to throw him through the convenience store window. As I watched, the plate glass window was wavering back and forth like a sheet in the wind. Of course, then Asshole #2 appeared and started to engage with the on-duty cop.

Meanwhile, back in the car watching all this, and seeing a crowd gathering, I grabbed Barney’s portable radio and called out the auxilliary, something I assure you I was not authorized to do. However in a two and a half cop town, when two of the cops are in a fight, what can you do. I also changed channels and called to the State Patrol office asking for backup.

When I saw that Asshole #1 was still trying to throw Barney through the window, I got out of the car, and bit him on the arm, trying to get him to let Barney go. For my trouble, I got a face full of Mace, which the other cop was using to try to subdue Asshole #2. About that time the local State Patrol officer and some of our auxilliary cops showed up, and managed to subdue Asshole #1, and get him into the patrol car. Cops from towns as far as ten miles away showed up, and got the crowd under control. Asshole #2 was on the ground on his knees, crying and asking for water for his eyes because of the Mace. Wicked people that we are, we gladly gave it to him. Mace, like hot peppers, stings worse when it comes into contact with water.

Soon they had the second guy cuffed and in the patrol car, too. Barney got into the patrol car, with the other cop, and told me to drive our car behind him to the jail, thirty mile away in the county seat. So off we took,  Of course, they were driving about 80 miles an hour on a two-lane highway, and we had several towns to go through. One of them was having their inevitable town festival, and so the streets were crowded. On the handheld I heard the local chief ask Barney if that was him in the car carrying the mail. He said yes, and Silverstar’s behind me, don’t stop her. And on we sped.

We finally got to the jail at the county seat, where of course it takes hours to process prisoners. Meanwhile, I am starving, and bored, waiting for Barney to get done. We were on our way to dinner, you know. Fortunately, I found the vending machines, and managed to stave off starvation. And thank heaven for all night diners.

A few days later, the prosecuter came by and said that the assailant had wanted to press charges of assault against me for biting him. They had dissuaded him, telling him no judge in the county would give them a warrant.

I learned a few things from the incident. The first was that the plate glass windows in convenience stores do not break easily. They are laminated for strength. But boy do they have a lot of flex. Mace stings like crazy, and it tastes bad, too.  I don’t like driving 80mph through crowded little towns. And always have a book in your purse for those boring waiting periods.

One of the worst parts of the ordeal was that some townfolk didn’t believe that Asshole#1 had been involved in the assault as he was usually mild mannered. The other lesson is that alcohol and drugs will change people, something I already knew, but apparently some other folks didn’t. Sometime the nicest people are belligerent drunks or druggies. And some townsfolk, especially those of religions who proscribe alcohol, are idiots.


  1. Great story, Silverstar. I’ve had more than my share of dealings with drugged and drunk idiots, so I can easily imagine what it was like for you. Religious nuts generally aren’t maniacs, just imbeciles. 🙂

  2. Hear hear! Great story!

    Reminds me of some of the stories my dad used to tell (he was, at one time, a member of the RCMP) from his days on the force dealing with drunken Natives on the reserves of southern Saskatchewan.

    He went through more of those big 8 cell police issue (back then) flashlights. Seems they bend when you whack someone over the head with them. Plus the cap pops off and the batteries spray out everywhere.

    To save the flashlights, he and a few of his colleagues got to making a little something called a “blackjack” (or a “sap”). I think they were little custom shaped leather sacs filled with lead shot. They would fit in the curve of your palm so as not to be visible to any civilian on-lookers. One open handed slap with a blackjack hidden in your palm and a belligerent drunk was usually knocked colder than piss on a plate.

  3. haha…… good advice about taking a book. I have one with me at all times. I even read in the car at traffic lights on my way to and from work.

    I am the only person in any long slow queue who doesn’t get pissed off…. and it’s why i still manage to read two books a week while working full time and blogging three hours a night 🙂

  4. Yikes – since when is biting an asshole a crime? What an adventure…

  5. I’m still working my mind around the guy just smacking Barney with no provocation–and Barney’s a cop. Sheesh!

  6. Tobymarx, I agree, they are imbeciles.

    Rob, we just used the flahlights, or they have batons for that now. Saps or blackjacks would have gotten a cop in trouble around here.

    Nurse Myra, I admire your reading, and your driving scares me. Glad you are in Oz.

    Daisy Fae, technically it was a crime of assault. However, since Asshole#1 was about 6’4 and 250lbs, it was laughable.

    Kym, I have found that cops, especially in small towns, are targets. Ask your friend Tom about it. The assailant, besides being drunk/drugged and I think egged on by #2, probably thought he was safe in doing it because Barney was obviously off-duty, and figured he was unarmed (Bzzzzzt, WRONG)

  7. Yeah, the sap thing would have gone over like a lead balloon here too, hence the need to conceal. But, it was the ’50’s. In Saskatchewan. As close to the old American West as it gets in Canada!

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